Under the Oak

The Cult of Green strikes again! This time against soft toilet paper. Surely this crosses some sort of line.

“At what price softness?” said Tim Spring, chief executive of Marcal Manufacturing, a New Jersey paper maker that is trying to persuade customers to try 100 percent recycled paper. “Should I contribute to clear-cutting and deforestation because the big [marketing] machine has told me that softness is important?”

Listen pal, I can assure you it wasn’t a big machine that told me that softness was important.

You don’t want to know.

But despite environmentalists’ concerns, they say customers are unwavering in their desire for the softest paper possible.

Go figure.

Also in this article is probably the most timely set of editorial brackets I’ve seen in a while.

“That’s a segment [of consumers] that is quite demanding of products that are soft,” said James Malone, a spokesman for Georgia-Pacific. Sales figures seem to make that clear: Quilted Northern Ultra Plush, the three-ply stuff, sold 24 million packages in the past year, bringing in more than $144 million, according to the market research firm Information Resources Inc.

Meanwhile, a SURPRISING study has revealed that “quality” toilet paper is pretty stinkin’ high on people’s priority list (granted the study was done by the folks that make Quilted Northern Ultra Plush…but still…is anyone disputing the findings?)

At least I know what brand to buy now!

So in the past week or so. . .

The great state of Minnesota has selected an actual clown as its representative in the Senate chamber. While I worry that the interests of Minnesotans will be poorly represented, I seriously doubt that the addition of said clown to the Senate could negatively effect the stellar reputation of that body. *cough*

Speaking of clowns…you may not have heard: Michael Jackson died!!!!!!!1 I was sitting in Barnes & Noble when I was accosted by the couple behind me who were receiving constant texts and emails to tell them that Jackson he died. I know its a generational thing, but seriously, people. Get over it. The man was a freak show either by choice or as a product of the twisted environment in which he lived. I feel for his children, but I don’t see why this should be in the news almost a week later.

No clown flavored post would be complete without another cunning strike by the Cult of Green, right? The House this week passed what amounts to a massive tax increase on energy consumption. The chances of it ever passing the Senate are slim, but the very fact that it passed the House scares me – especially now that we have a one-party government. It will “only” cost $150 per year, we are told. Turns out, its more like $1800…and by 2030 $6300 per year for an average family of four (actually, if the CBO is as wrong in their predictions of the cost of this bill as they were about prescription drug coverage, then the cost will be more like $150,000 per year per family). But it is NECESSARY in order to SAVE THE PLANET from IMMINENT DESTRUCTION. I wonder how much a double-decker taco from Taco Bell (which uses energy to produce flour, tortillas, beans, hot water, corn, beef, beef grinding, cheese production, lettuce, paper, and ink on top of the energy cost of the actual retail of said product) would cost in this green future that our politicians dream up. $59.99 Value Meals!!

Meanwhile, President Obama has sided with Chavez and the United Nations against Honduras. From everything I’ve read, the ousted president of Honduras was in direct violation of the constitution of that country. No wonder they got rid of him. And no wonder our government would jump to his defense.

The blazing heat has zapped whatever spirited blog posts I might otherwise have been coming up with this week, but as much as I hate the heat, I wish I was leaving for Jamaica on Friday.

John Holdren, Director of the Office of Science and Technology Policy, offers some insight into the kind of things being contemplated in the shadowy corners or our nation’s home office (bearing in mind that this is the politics-free branch of the West Wing).

“We’re talking about all these issues in the White House,” Holdren said. “There’s a very vigorous process going on of discussing all the options for addressing the energy climate challenge.”

Oh boy. Here we go. The Cult of Green strikes again, right? Oh, it gets better. You see  the “these issues” that he refers to are the questions that…you know…kinda crop up surrounding the use of climate altering technology to drastically cool the earth.

The concept of using technology to purposely cool the climate is called geoengineering. One option raised by Holdren and proposed by a Nobel Prize-winning scientist includes shooting pollution particles into the upper atmosphere to reflect the sun’s rays.

That’s right. We are going to tax farmers for cow farts and when that doesn’t work, we’ll…shoot pollution particles into the upper atmosphere? I’ve obviously missed some important bit of information between “burping worms are destroying the atmosphere” and “well what if we do this stuff…like…on purpose?”.

I suppose we can expect to see a lot of crazy stuff from folks like this, right? I mean sure, it sounds totally idiotic and counter-intuitive, but its the White House! These people are smart, politics-free, totally unbiased scientists, right? How could they be wrong?! And besides, even if they are, what harm could possibly come out of it?

But he said there could be grave side effects. Studies suggest that might include eating away a large chunk of the ozone layer above the poles and causing the Mediterranean and the Mideast to be much drier.

Or, if you will allow me to paraphrase the wording of the stuffy news guy on NPR this morning: “However, Holden did say that there could be permanent, predictable side effects including massive holes in the ozone layer and drastic global cooling.”

Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t actually fear that these nuts are going to blast a hole in the ozone (what incredible arrogance it must take to make these predictions about the effect of human actions). What I do fear, however, is that the people advising the most powerful man in the world are totally insane. Combine that with the unavoidable impression since he took office that Obama hasn’t the foggiest idea what he is doing and is relying heavily on advisors like Holdren, and your initial chuckle upon hearing about a mad scientist in the White House will transform itself into a knot in your stomach as it did for me this morning as I lay in bed listening to the news.

How long before the Cult of Green gets really panicky and decides to start pushing for interplanetary colonization as a means to escape the warming monster? Before the end of the Obama administration is my guess.

Greenists strike in Washington state (surprise!) only to find out that dirty dishes aren’t on the list of things that people are willing to give up to save the environment. Oops.

So lets grant the absurd notion that mankind has somehow managed to overheat the earth – you know…for the sake of argument. If people aren’t even willing to give up clean dishes for the cause, then isn’t that evidence that mankind is not morally capable of the sacrifice that would be required to cool the earth back to its “normal” temperature? And if we’re not capable then why suffer half the sacrifice and fail? I say let them have phosphate based dish washing detergent! Let the soccer moms buy SUVs! Let the cows fart in peace! If there is no hope anyway, we may as well enjoy these little pleasures for the last thousand or so years of our collective existence, yes?

I wish I could blame my dirty dishes on the Cult of Green.